from my last blog post: proud of how positive I am being? how comforting I am being to myself?
It has been nothing more than sheer denial. I have spent the past two weeks in a continuous state of pretense and bullshit. I have been acting like a complete idiot and I am, quite honestly, ashamed of myself. Embarrassed. At the same time I recognize we all need some time to be idiots when we go through stuff which throws us into emotional chaos. Some of us need minutes, others need days, some weeks, months, years. Yet others find even their lifetimes too short. I guess I took these two weeks to be the idiot I needed to be before wisening up – hopefully.
At this point, i remember something I wrote some time ago:
“Hello, Old Friend.
Hello, Old Friend.
How have you been?
It’s been a while,
Like a dream …
We disappeared for a while,
You and I, I and you.
Now with a smile,
I welcome the blue.
Now I realise,
It feels the same.
It smells the same.
It tastes the same.
The salty you brought.
The sweet too.
The bitter aftertaste.
The sour inside.
You are the same,
And so am I.
Now we have to be friends,
To survive.;’
As usual, I did not know when to stop. As usual, I was excessive. As usual, I was too much. And as usual, I did not have the composure and stability of mind to give it space and give it time. I realise it now. And now I will give it all I have not. It can be confusing sometimes. When something goes wrong, should you allow yourself to feel what u are feeling, give in to the feelings? Or should you pick urself up and get yourself moving? Does the latter make u force urself to keep ur feelings welling up inside … or does it show u are practical and sensible enuf to know not to let things affect u too much? A cousin of mine asked me about this two nights ago on chat – she has been going thru a difficult time, and her friend asked her why she wants to be the object of sympathy, that she should stop being sad. She asked if her friend was right, whether she should stop being sad. I tried telling her that she should allow herself to feel what she is feeling, give herself some time. However, her friend is clearly concerned about her, and feels she should stop being sad. But can anyone tell anyone else to “stop feeling something”? Even if they are concerned? Does a good friend simply let you feel what u are feeling and support u? Or does a good friend see what u need to do and tell u that?
