I do not yet quite fully understand why I have chosen to start this blog. But I think it is because I am hoarse from screaming silently.
I can’t remember exactly when it began. That does not scare me in the least bit. What scares me is that I don’t know when, and how, it will stop.
This blog is not being written as fun reading material. And I doubt it will, in any way, be entertaining. It is being written because I am no longer able to keep a physical diary. Yet … I am wondering how candid I am truly intending to be in this blog … and that implies that I know it will be read.
Today, I had a realization. I am a victim of abuse. Physical. Emotional. Verbal. and Self-Afflicted.
And I am trembling with fear knowing that someone I know, and someone who knows me, may be reading this. I am re-thinking and re-thinking whether I truly want to do this. Because once I do, there is no going back.
I think I know now why I have started this blog. Because there is no space anywhere for me to be this part of me. A part of me I want to kill. I want to overcome. And ignoring it makes it more angry. More agressive. More unstable. More crazy. This part of me wants to talk to my friends, but it can’t. It is embarrassed. It is terrified of being judged. Friends I love. Friends I think I trust. Friends I hope I am right in trusting.
And more than anything else, it is afraid of hurting the people it loves the most.
Last week, I met a very close friend of mine with whom I share a relationship that is hard to describe. But I think I can safely say that she may be the closest friend I have in the whole world. Not because she calls. She doesn’t. Not because she meets me. She doesn’t. Not because she keeps in touch. She doesn’t. But because I think that if I said anything to her, she might understand. She might not call me crazy. She might not get scared. Maybe it is because she has been here herself. Anyway, I met her … and the reason we met was that the day before, she called me out of the blue, and I burst into tears on the phone the moment I heard her voice. Just like that. She asked wat was wrong, and I told her I can’t say anything. She immediately asked me to meet her the next day to tell her everything.
And we met. And I couldn’t say anything. I told her I would tell her some other time. I couldn’t do it.
I am sick. And I am hoping this blog will help with the cure.
love u.